Last week I had a day of celebration. Two of my friends had birthdays so I went to a birthday lunch and a birthday dinner. At lunch I had pizza and I knew at dinner I was going to have a big burger and some amazing fries. I was so so excited, and very proud of myself. Though, this was a lot of food I don’t normally eat on a regular basis, I was making an intentional choice.
We went to dinner and two of our friends were choosing to eat salads, and I felt like I had to justify me eating a burger, because I CHOSE to eat it. That’s justification enough. I said things like “I’m excited cause I NEVER eat this.” and “it’s a special treat”. It doesn’t matter if it was a special treat or not, I chose to eat and that should be the end of it. It was my choice, and my friends were not judging me. But, I was judging me!
Come on Lex, you’ve come so far, right? Why are you acting like this?
Sunday I was on the phone with my grandmother. My husband and I had gone and spent a weekend at the lake with the in-laws, and she had asked what we were up to. I told her we were swimming, fishing, and eating, all the good stuff. She said “Sounds like a lot of fun, but mind that figure of yours. Make sure you keep an eye on that figure. Don’t eat too much now.” In her defense she comes from a VERY different era, but it’s still toxic. This is where my struggle, my inner voice, my need to feel like I have to justify what I eat, why I eat, and all the heaviness that comes with food and body image.
My grandmother more than likely learned this from her mother, my mother learned this from my grandmother, and my inner voice and critic learned it from both of them. My mom never said anything about my weight or how I looked unless it was to brush my hair as a crazy wild child, but the way she talks about herself molded my self critic. And it wasn’t nice.
Honestly, it makes my heart break. This week, on top of several other things has been heavy. I feel overwhelmed with all the things I need to unlearn, but I need to give myself grace. It takes time to unlearn and relearn how to talk to yourself.
During quarantine and the pandemic I have really taken up gardening/ being a plant mom. (Feel free to roll your eyes at that!) Honestly, it has taught a lot of being gentle with myself. You have to give yourself all the ingredients to grow; water, sun, nutrition and a little love. Keeping your priorities straight and talking to yourself kindly. Plenty of studies have shown how you speak to your plants, effect how they grow. I really believe that also applies to ourselves, how we speak to ourselves effects how you grow. So please everyone, I beg you, be kind to yourselves. When you chose to do something own it! You don’t have to justify your actions, you don’t have to justify you!
#selfcare #selflove #gardening #growing #bodyimage #food #choice #intentions #nutrition #selftalk #fitness #sun #water #kindness
Life Is Good With Lex 